007: How To Not Take Things Personally When Playing Tabletop Roleplaying Games

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>> Clint Scheirer: Have you ever heard the phrase sticks and stones may break

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my bones, but words will never hurt me? Well,

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what do you do when words do hurt you or

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bother you during a tabletop role playing game?

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Today's episode will cover the two

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obstacles that can hurt your gaming group

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and two strategies you can use to set

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expectations and not take things

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personally. Welcome to claim to game the podcast

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helping busy people master tabletop role playing

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games one game at a time I'm Clint

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Scheirer. I've been an educator for over twelve years and have

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helped gamers of all levels quickly grasp

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tabletop role playing games so they can enjoy playing

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them to the fullest. Stay tuned so

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that you can make your claim to game.

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Hello and welcome back to episode seven,

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season one of claim to a predominantly

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educational, fun podcast in which I am daring to coin

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the word fun ducational. It's like going to the

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Kennedy Space center down in Cape Canaveral in

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Florida and finding that you aren't just going to learn

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about space for the day, but instead you're actually going to be

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launched into space for the day. Don't forget to

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put on that astronaut helmet, folks. It's like I always

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say, better to be safe than

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starry. All right? It's

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my belief that playing a game should be fun.

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Now, fun can mean a lot of things to a lot of

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people, but here are three things that

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I feel are essential to having fun, at least for

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me. When playing a tabletop role playing game.

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One, you are interested or find the main

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concept of the game interesting. Two,

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you are able to be creative, problem solve and collaborate

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with others. And three, you enjoy the

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people you're playing with. Now, this third point here can be

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tricky. People are, well,

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they're people. And that means that we are

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complicated. We have emotions, we have

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complicated emotions. We have expectations

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of what we are looking to experience when we come to the

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gaming table. Table, throw in two or more people in a

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room and instantly you have a cocktail for

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potential greatness and fun, or an awkward

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social encounter which drives people away, leaving

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them never to want to step foot into another

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tabletop role playing game again. Let's

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look at an event from my past to highlight two

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obstacles that can cause dissension among players in a gaming

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group. And then we'll identify two tangible

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strategies you can use yourself to combat

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these obstacles, work through the differences and

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to find the fun you and your fellow players desire.

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The first real serious game I ever played with an

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actual storyline and campaign was the DND

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Beginners adventure, lost minds of Phandelver.

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Going into this game, I had only played a quick

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one shot adventure with my brother in law where the

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expectation was have fun and try anything

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out. Your imagination is the limit. With a few

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scattered rules in there. This group had roughly

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four five players and one GM. All

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of us completely new to the hobby, all of us

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except for one player went in with the same mentality

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as I had before. Have fun, try

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anything out. Your imagination is the limit.

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And after we made some very unwise and

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tactically unsound decisions which involved our

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party's halfling trying to be the frontline beefy fighter,

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we inevitably found ourselves in very

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poor shape. We were hurt, some of our

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characters were near death and definitely far

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from achieving the goal of our mission. The one player

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who had played D and D before was clearly and understandably

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frustrated. He spoke up and made it very clear he

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felt we were playing this game

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wrong. He said D and D is a

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group of adventurers working towards a common goal.

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Our actions should be working towards that goal, not

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against it. I cant speak for the other newbies,

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but I felt a little bit ashamed playing the game

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wrong. I asked. I thought my imagination was the

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limit. Was there a right or wrong here?

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Our group dispersed that night and met up one month

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later. And the next time we really did all

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die. All of our characters died. We call that a

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total party kill or TPK. As we say in the

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business, everyone died. Ive shared

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this story in more detail back in episode two.

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The same player who was upset before at our

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group's lack of tactical, sound decision making

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working towards a common goal, he spoke up again

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and he was frustrated again and let the group know

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his displeasure. As someone who once again

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was following my imagination, I was left with the same

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impression. Clint, you are playing the game

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wrong and you need to shape up. Eventually the group

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worked out these differences, but I would say the hard way

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and with some hurt feelings, some folks ended up

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leaving the group all together in the process.

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Looking back at this in hindsight, the two

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obstacles I see at work here.

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One, not having previously agreed upon

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expectations for the game that we were playing,

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and two, taking thoughts, opinions

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and preferences too personally.

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So what do you do? How do you counter

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these obstacles and cut them down before they raise

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their ugly hydra heads? My

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recommendation is one, have a session

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zero, to set group expectations for your game

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before it even begins, and two,

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to practice the heads tails

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technique. Quick pause on the episode. Have you

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felt life is too crazy busy that, the tabletop role playing

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games you've always wanted to learn and play are passing you

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by. The claim to game podcast has one mission,

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helping busy people master tabletop role playing

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games one game at a time. If you are

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enjoying what you're hearing today, please share

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the claim to game podcast with others. Share it with at

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least one other person who you know listens to

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podcasts and who could benefit from what this show has to

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offer. This helps grow the show, spreads the message, and

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helps others learn new tabletop role playing games.

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So don't forget, once you're finished listening today, remember

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to share the show. Thanks.

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And now back to the episode. A session zero is not

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a new concept to tabletop role playing. It is a

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meeting that takes place prior to the first time playing the

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game and a session zero can be in person

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online. Ive even handled it via email or

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text depending on the complexity of the game thats being

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played. What takes place during the meeting?

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Well its a discussion of the expectations of what the

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players can expect to encounter during the

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game, not specifics about the adventure. That would be a

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spoiler alert to the story thats about to

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unfold, but instead you would talk about

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themes, setting, tone, the

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mood, and the sensitive or not so sensitive

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topics that could appear during the playing of the

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game. In some session zeros, ive even included

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character creation. Especially for new players, running

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a session zero can make the overwhelming experience of trying

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to make their character a little more fun and less

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confusing with others around to ask questions and spend time

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with. How could a session Zero

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have helped my first real tabletop rpg?

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Well it would have provided a chance to discuss the tone

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of the game if our group of players could have

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clearly understood from the beginning that

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this game's main focus is for a group of

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adventurers to work together towards a common goal. It's

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okay to have some laughs, but we aren't just choosing

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crazy, goofy actions that could end up getting the entire

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party killed. If that had been made clear

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from the get go, then im sure all the players

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would have fallen in with that tone. The player who spoke

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up in frustration had this expectation

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while the rest of us had never jumped on that bandwagon.

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Now session Zero really only happens

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once prior to the start of the game. The game for

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season one of claim to game Goblin Quest

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basically has session Zero and gameplay

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built into the pre game activities of the entire gaming

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experience. The intro to the setting of the great battle

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camp, the NPC's you'll find there, the

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character creation, the quest creation, basically

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episodes three, four and six of which we all

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covered. All of it screams this

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is a silly game where all of your goblins will likely

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die. Do whatever you want because in the end you

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probably won't even succeed. Have fun with

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that expectation. I promise you, even the player

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who spoke up during my first d and D session would be

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jumping right into playing with the silly antics.

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Had he instead been playing goblin quest. He

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wouldnt need to speak up. He wouldnt need to be frustrated by

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the other players reckless actions because it

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fits the tone of the game. The new players in

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my first game were playing d and D. More like they

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were playing goblin quest with maybe a little bit of fatal

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ineptitude up our sleeves. Okay, okay,

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we know what we should have done. Set expectations

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with a session zero. But what if that doesn't

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happen? What if you are a player who was thrown

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into playing a game where expectations are all over the

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place, boundaries have not been set and people are

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making both passive aggressive or just plain aggressive

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comments trying to control the game and get it to be what

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they want or to get it how they think it should

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be. It all starts with you.

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You cannot control other people. Did you know

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that? You just can't. You can try,

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but unless you have some real powerful spells up

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your sleeves, it ain't happening. The only player

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you truly have control over at the table is

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yourself. And with this in mind, I would like to suggest

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the heads tails technique. I learned about it from

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a TEd talk given by motivational speaker and communication

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coach Frederick Imbo. His talk is

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called how to not take things personally ill.

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Leave a link to the video in the show notes. It is

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fantastic. To summarize the key points of the

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video, imagine that you are holding a coin

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or maybe a two sided dice. Do they exist?

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One side of the coin is heads and the other side of the coin

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is tails. First I want you to

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imagine looking at the head side of the coin and say to

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yourself its not about me. Try to

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think of the perspective of the other player. Try

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to see their intention that their comment was coming

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from. Whether the comment was passive aggressive or just plain

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aggressive. Make space for understanding and

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try to change your me to a

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Wii. This game is about everyone being able to

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work together to have a good time and to have fun.

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I'm going to apply that to my scenario. Let's

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fast forward to the point of the story after the player spoke with

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frustration, saying we were playing the

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game in a way that doesn't support the core function of D

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and D. Just a reminder that was DND

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is a group of adventurers working towards a common goal.

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Our actions should be working toward that goal,

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not against it. Okay, here I go

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first. It's not about me. The

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other players perspective is that we aren't achieving our

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goal. And in this player's definition of

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fun, this isn't fun to him by not achieving

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the goal. His intention is that he wants to get the

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group back on track with his version of fun.

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Why? Because he believes this will let

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everyone have more fun and enjoy the game as he

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believes it was designed to be played. Now, making the

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space for understanding here for this player, I can see this game

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is not just about me. It's not just about what I

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want, but to marry the ideas of what we all

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want in order to have fun with this unique

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group. And I can get behind this. Maybe I

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can talk to this guy after the game to see how I can

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still be fun and have fun and be goofy,

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but support the spirit of collaborative problem

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solving towards a common goal.

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Nice. This is some powerful self talk, and I

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wish that I would have had this mentality at

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the time in which I was playing. But don't forget the other side

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of the coin, the tails side. If

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side one, didn't quite get you to where you needed to

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be, didn't quite mentally get you to where you were trying

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to go, take a look at the tail side of your imaginary

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coin and say to yourself, it is about

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me. It is about my insecurity.

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And part of me I still have to come to terms with.

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Does it touch a raw nerve, what this person is saying? And

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it feasts upon my fear of not being good

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enough, not being likable enough, just not

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being whatever enough. You fill in the blank.

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I'm going to apply this tail side of the coin to my

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scenario. This one's going to feel a little more

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sensitive for me, but I'm going to do it anyway. Here we go.

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First, it's about me. I want

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to be silly, goofy and non serious in this game

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because I'm afraid of taking it seriously, about

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caring and not being good at it or not having

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fun. I'm insecure in my

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ability to try this new thing, the other players saying out

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loud what I was already feeling. Maybe I'm

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missing the mark. Maybe I miss the mark.

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Maybe I'm no good. Maybe they don't want me

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to be a part of this group. Why should I even try?

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And then lastly, going into that fear, and

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this is the, most important part more

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than anything that we've said so far in this episode,

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regardless of how I feel about my

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insecurities. Above all, the truth is

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I keep my value as a person, even

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when people disagree with me, even when they don't

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like the way that I'm playing the game, even when

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they disagree with the decision I've made or didn't make.

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And like a crumpled up dirty $20 bill,

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at the end of the day, I still have value.

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And this value, which is outside of myself and

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intrinsic to being human, is what gives me

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the right to keep coming back to the table, to keep playing

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the game. And that applies to tabletop role playing

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games and it applies to life. So

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to summarize, try to implement both

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strategies into your games that you run or games that you

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play. A session zero is an attempt to set

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healthy expectations from the beginning. The

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heads tails technique comes in handy in the moment when

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conflict may arise. Either way, you

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keep your value as a player and as a person.

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Dont take things personally. Take them with

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empathy and openness to

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understanding for yourself and also for other

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players. Join us next week. Yep, thats right.

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We are a weekly podcast. Now next week we will

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continue our quest claiming Goblin Quest. We are

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going to go over exactly how to play this darn

00:14:48
game. How do you begin? Who gets to take their

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turn first? Where does the dice rolling fit into all of

00:14:54
this? What if my goblin succeeds? And what if

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my goblins all die? Which is likely? Do you

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make our claim to game one game at a time.

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M.